Merits of googling how to use a chainsaw

(Read: what the hell did I get myself into?)

It’s a sweltering hot day, three days into the start of the horticulture training program. I am standing on a steep slope, in a reflecting vest, hacking at invasive blackberries and thistles. As I get scratched up by the unruly plants, I wonder just what the hell did I get myself into.

Growing up, every time we drove by prisoners doing highway clean up in the ditches, my parents would be sure to point them out to my brother and I. “If you don’t want to grow up to do that, you better behave and do well in school.”

Now I know that’s all sorts of problematic but I’m trying to illustrate my upbringing here.

Appreciate the fact that my brain is kindly trying to remind me that after spending something in the 6-digits realm to ‘excel’ in my first profession, I’ve apparently abandoned it to voluntarily dig up blackberries in a ditch.

In the evenings, when I’m desperately googling how to use a chainsaw to complete a equipment safety assignment, I am yet reminded of the absurdity of my current experience.

Just what in the world did I get myself into?

What I’m experiencing is something close to cognitive dissonance. It’s when what you’re doing or experiencing is contrary to what your beliefs/world view are thus far, so your brain freaks the hell out. Thoughts and ‘rationalizations’ at this point are unreliable. Essentially, it could be that you’re just trying to talk yourself out of something uncomfortable that may just be uncomfortable because it’s new and different enough.

The proper course of action is to ignore the thoughts for now and stay in the experience. Otherwise you might prematurely abandon a path that could lead to a positive growth for the sake of going back to something known but not necessarily good for you (still).

In the meantime, I’m just gonna focus on learning what a choke does.

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-S

Image credit: Pixabay - user Hans